Reflection on the Last 19 years of my life

So I am turning 20 tomorrow (at 11:30 am) and I was thinking about the past two decades that has been my life. I have decided to share some thoughts with ya'll. First I am going to give a mini bio of my life thus far and share some thoughts I have had recently.

I was born March 16th, 1990 at 11:30 am at AV Hospital in Lancaster, Ca. My beautiful parents had been married for about four years then, my mom being 20 and my dad being 25. We lived in sunny California City until I was about 2 and then we headed to Seattle Washington so my dad would not lose his job. What I remember of my life in Washington is a lot of playing in forests, swimming in indoor pools, and lots of rain and snow. I do not remember my education at all, but apparently it was harder than the California school system.

At the age of 7, my family got the chance to move back to California City and we took it. It was nice to be back with our family (both sets of G-parents lived in CC even though my dad's mom had recently died from lung cancer). I felt out of place at the school but I eventually made some decent acquaintances. My school years were filled with trying to get straights A's because I wanted to be known for something and also with trying to fit in. I never really succeeded in the latter but I excelled in the first. I got along extremely well with my teachers and up until High school I think they were my only true friends.

Once I hit high school, I had ups and downs on the friendship train but I eventually found my niche. Juliet, Eirene, Nancy, Corie, Mary, and Shalena.....you guys made hs worth it! You guys taught me so much about what love can look like and I am sorry for not being there more for you all! I was so focused on how I could get ahead and not trusting in God to provide.

Thankfully, I am here at CSULB and God is growing me more than I have ever seen before. I am being challenged spiritually and really getting the accountability and discipleship I longed for back at home. Between Navs and Revolution Church LB, I am getting bombarded by the truth! [I want to give a special shout out to Alissa! You have really been willing to hit me with the truth and ask me some tough questions! Thank you for not just letting me go on in the lies that I used to cling to!] I am starting to realize that I haven't put my trust in God and that I felt that I needed to work to earn all the stuff I want in life. God is also showing me how to let go and let Him take over.

I have been listening to this song called "Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb and there is a part in there that has hit me pretty well the past week. It goes:
So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

How true this portion of the song is! This is how I have been feeling and I know that God is faithful and will forgive me. I have been going through so many changes and I still cannot verbally describe what is going on inside me. When I can, I will let you know. Just pray for me to continue to seek God in all that I do and give over to Him my future!

woke up feeling like crap

so basically what i am feeling today is exactly what the title of this blog states: like a big pile of crap.

I hate when I put my trust in other people and it gets stomped on...
I hate when I have feelings for people even with all the surpressing of feelings I attempt...
I hate this morning...

At least the weather seems to be joining me in my dislike of things. I am going to try to pick up my mood today by reading scripture and staying upbeat and positive throughout the rest of the day...

But I had to be honest here and say that I am not ok. I am feeling horrible today. Please pray that that changes.

Song that I am listening to: Regina Spektor- "Hero"

Things I am Learning

It has been well over a month since I last contributed to this blog. I figured it was high time I gave anyone who reads this [and thank you for doing so] an update as to what is going on with me.

I am back at CSULB and halfway through the second week of this semester. The first week went by in a flash. I was extremely busy with multiple plans for each day. God kept me going last week as well as the fact that he restored me using the hang out times I had with people. I have been getting to know people from Navs better including my friend Jacob as well as letting people in on who I am. It has been great being completely honest with someone about who I am, what I have done. I have never been fully comfortable with that and me doing that with Alissa is simply amazing and I have begun to see God's work in that.

I made several goals on New Years' Eve that, while I am not fully achieving them, I am proud to say are taking effect within my life. I have started memorizing scripture which is exciting, loving others, being [extremely one might say] diligent with my work and doing it for God's glory, and really getting in to my Bible studies.

One thing that I am currently working on more and more is being content in God. That is something that I know I have not been ever. There are somethings that I have just given to God and made Him more important but I have also recognized the idols that i need to turn from(the need to be in a relationship, facebook, coffee, praise in school work, etc). It is fun to think about how God is changing my heart and making it more the way He desires.

I think I want to start memorizing Romans 8 as a whole. I never realized the amount of "power verses" were in that chapter. Maybe someone could keep me accountable in that?

I also wanted to share with you guys the response I did for a paper in C/LA 490:

At work or school, how do you want to be seen? What image do you want to project? Are you aware of discrepancies between the image you want to project and how others actually see you? What are they? What are the chances that projecting your preferred image will be seen and valued by the people with whom you work, and that you’ll be rewarded for possessing it? What needs to be accomplished for you to achieve that image?

In all aspects of my life I want to represent Christ. As a Christian, the goal of my life is to be a “mini Christ.” Practically, seeing as no one is perfect, I want to display love and compassion to all and in this I want to be seen as someone who stands firm in what she believes, is willing to listen to others, is willing to work hard, and never surrenders to problems. In simpler terms, and less religious ones, I want to be a good person with high moral standards, but approachably so. I know that in the past I often desired to portray this image but have acted in ways less connected to that desire. Such as saying that I do not like lying but continue to do it, or hang out with habitual liars. I know that I will be persecuted for wanting to follow Christ in all areas of my life due to the fact that this is not a popular take on life, but I know that people will appreciate honesty and hard work ethic as well as I will enjoy being true to my calling and self. To accomplish such a goal, I have to give up want I think is good for me and do what God tells me is good. It is giving up myself for the greater good of humanity and projecting truth in my life that will be a difficult thing for me because I fail and I am prideful. I need to deny myself and what I can get out of things and look for what will lift others up.

That is where I am at right now!

And this is a song that I have recently fell in love with:

End of a decade....I think it deserves a blog!

So it has been a few weeks since I made a blog post. I figured since this is New Years' Eve I should post something since I know most people do on these kind of days. So I am going to attempt, possibly unsuccessfully, to describe what 2009 has been for me.

Well, first I will say I did not fulfill my New Years' resolutions, but then again who does? I want to attempt to fix that this year and be more disciplined in what I do. So I am going to share with you what my goals [not resolutions because for some reason it sounds harder when I think of them as that]:

1. Stay active: I love hiking and dancing and doing all sorts of stuff with you guys but I find it hard to keep up. Maybe if I get my butt into gear, then I can feel better doing all these fun activities with y'all. Sarah and I are going to start doing nightly walks this semester just for a fun activity and all of you are more than welcome to join.

2. Be consistent in my TAWG: This one is pretty simple to get. For those of you who do not know what TAWG is: Time Alone With God!

3. Better steward of what God has given me: I want to start regularly tithing at my church and I have a lot of things that I want to do in the next couple of years so I better start saving!

4. Memorizing scripture: I need to just be more focused on this. Any one want to partner with me? Maybe we can factor in some sort of reward program or something.

5. Be more on top of my school work: I just got lazy this past semester and totally could have gotten a 4.0. Time for me to focus more.

So now that you have seen a little of what I want for this next year I think I shall move onto......

2009: Reflections on the past year

This past year has been one of growth, of ups/downs, and of reflection. Often when I think I find that I fall short of all that I want to be. I have started to realize the negative effects that this has had on me and my interactions with others. I find that I feel people hate me or at the very least wish I would disappear. I am starting to recognize the lies of the world when it comes to this and also starting to recognize when I should just back off.

In this past year I have found a renewed love for my creator. I didn't even realize that my relationship with God was more of a duty/checklist kind of faith verses a love relationship with God. I am starting to find interest in His word and being able to share that with others has been amazing. I am seeing God in so many different ways now that it makes me smile and ready for more. [i say that now but just watch me complain when something comes my way =P]

I have also experienced great friendships and finally am starting to realize what friendship is. Not that I never had friends before, but these friends are different. They keep me accountable, they love me when I am nuts, they help me grow in my faith, they speak truth, and I live with them =) My life has changed so much because of them and it is definitely for the better!

I have also seen the blindness I had to others this year. My goal at the beginning of this year was to have love for others as God has love for me and really just for my eyes to be open to the needs of others. Its been challenging and sometimes I pray for my eyes to be closed. The world is ugly people! But the beauty that God has given to everyone is what keeps me going, seeking to hear everyone's story!

The best part of 2009 has got to be me being able to open up to fellow sisters in Christ. I have been unable to open up to women for such a long time. I feel more comfortable with boys because they don't judge, mostly because they don't care/don't understand what I am saying. But being able to really pour out my heart with girls like Alissa and Katrina has done some serious wonder in my daily life. I am excited to continue growing in my relationships with these wonderful women and even gaining new friendships with other Godly women!

Some other highlights of 09:
Camping in Sequoia, 9.5 mile hike, discovering viento y agua/mexican hot chocolate, getting a dland season pass, mending broken friendships, discovering my love for Iran, learning to love serving others, free paramore tickets!!!, memorizing three verses, learning new songs for the guitar, late nights with fun people, discovering my love for Star Trek/Spock, learning how to get over things, and getting a 4.0 in my spring semester!

Verse for the upcoming year:

Isaiah 40:31

³¹ but those who trust in the LORD
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint.

I love you all and I hope your new year is safe! Have hope in the upcoming year!

until we are satisfied with the love of God we will never be fully satisfied!

The title truly says it all.

But there is more to this blog…

So for the past few weeks I have been going through some ups and downs. Mostly ups which is good but I just want to share something that has troubled my heart for a long time: the desire to find a husband.

Now I know what you are going to say, “Don’t worry, you have plenty of time.” Well guess what, that is not what I want to hear. I have this intense fear that I will never find the person I am supposed to be with aka that there is no person I am suppose to be with. This fear has gripped me so much and filled my head with lies. Here are some of the lies I am constantly fighting inside my head:

1. I am not worthy of love

2. I am not beautiful

3. There is something wrong with me thus no one will love me

These lies have shaped my mind into something I never wanted for myself. And how did this happen? Because I let myself believe that I was defined by how many heads I could turn or how many boyfriends I had or who fell in love with me. This is where the title kicks into play. Until we are satisfied with the love that God gives, the love that is never ending and more than sufficient for all our desire, we will never be fully happy/satisfied. We will always search for more and always come up empty.

Thanks to my beautiful friend Alissa, I have been given the challenge to shut these lies out and combat against them with the truth of God. If you are struggling with the same thing I would encourage you to find verses to memorize so when the voice of lies comes into your mind, you can guard yourself. My verses of choice are as follows:

To fight the “I am not worthy of being loved” lie: Isaiah 43

Israel's Only Savior

¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush ^a]">[a] and Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

⁶ I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

To combat the “I am not beautiful” lie:

Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)

¹⁷ The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

To combat the “there is something wrong with me” lie:

1 John 3

¹How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

I hope you may all find encouragement….Seek God because only in Him comes true love and hope that can surpass anything we desire on this earth!

A not so nice trip down memory lane....

It is a sad thing when you come to the conclusion that the people you were friends with in High School never really cared about you.

That being said, let me explain. Now when I say friends I do not mean Eirene, Nancy, Juliet, Jarod, Shalena, Mary, Corie, or any of the people I hung out with Senior year. This blog is dedicated to the people I know will never read it: Elliot and Tori Mork, Daniel, Peter, and Abbie Loehrer, and Brian Sattler. These are the people that this blog is about and also the sources of my latest realization: sometimes Christians are not true friends.

The people listed above were some of my inspirations in my pursuit of God. I played at their youth group, they were small so an acoustic set was always worth it, I bought them stuff, I invited them to parties, saved them seats on the bus, shared all my problems with them, and I thought they were what friendship looked like. I realize that during the time I hung around them, namely freshman and sophomore year, I was not mature and very needy when it came to friendship. I had not yet learned about how Christ's love is sufficient and that I didn't need to be accept by worldly standards. However, I thought that we would be friends for much longer than those two years. Imagine my disappointment when they stopped talking to me all together when they graduated and I was left behind.

I can understand losing contact but, besides Abbie, none have an excuse. I attempted to add Tori, Brian, Peter, and Daniel on my facebook. Tori flat out denied my friend request, Peter and Brian accepted but refuse to return any form of contact, and Daniel deleted me. Elliot and I talked through cell communication up until the time Ronnie moved to New Mexico. I remember the last convo clearly. I asked him for his new number and he replied, " If I wanted you to have my number, I would have called you."

These people told me they were my friends. These people lied to me and made me feel like I mattered. They act as if they are true followers and lovers of Christ but then they did this to me. The acted as if I never existed or mattered. My future of friendships will be forever tainted and fearful because of what this group did to me. I still have issues with trust and I honestly think that once I leave LB, the people I love now will forever deny my existence in their lives. This has been haunting me for the past two years now and I think it is because I am starting to see events repeat themselves.

If any of the above listed reads this, which is highly unlikely, I hope that God continues to work in your lives. I do not wish any ill will upon any of you. I am hurt by your actions but I know that God is sufficient and will provide me with the ability to move on past what you have done.

These feelings have been bugging me the past few days and I just had to let them out. Now that they are out, I hope I can just let go.

So over this nonsense

I am a Christian for those of you who do not know. I love God and I serve Him above all things. Over the summer I was shown the depth of God's love (or at least my small ability to comprehend it) and so I have been trying to give that love to others. I am finding it incredibly hard in a world where Christians are telling me to not be friends with gays or like musicals. I love people! I love everyone whether you are gay, lesbian, cross-dresser, cutter, druggie, pole dancer, or anything in this world. I love because God has shown love to me. And I think this ties in really well with the one lesson I learned over the summer. The reason I love God is because He is so kind and loving. He loves us where we are and He never expects us to be perfect when we come to Him. Maybe if we, as Christians, spent more time loving people and showing them God's kind character, maybe, just maybe gays wouldn't think God hates them or maybe it would convince the druggie that there is some one out there who loves them so much. God's kindness has the ability to change people but if we are sitting around hating on everyone then they are not going to see God's love displayed through us. I came to God because of His unconditional love and kindness, not because I was afraid of hell. If I came to God just to escape hell then all I would be seeking is fire insurance, not the love that God has offered. God did not come to heal the healthy, but to heal the sick. He came to save sinners. I am not saying that homosexuality, drug use, or sexual lifestyles are to be accepted. They should never be accepted BUT WE STILL NEED TO LOVE THEM REGARDLESS! I am tired of fighting with Christians on this issue and it is starting to bug me quite a bit. God loves everyone, no matter whether they like it or not! Show the same to others. I truly believe that homosexuals are the least witnessed to group and they are the ones who need God's love.

So here is your challenge: Show God's love to people you do not believe deserve His love (Aka everyone because even I do not deserve His love).