woke up feeling like crap

so basically what i am feeling today is exactly what the title of this blog states: like a big pile of crap.

I hate when I put my trust in other people and it gets stomped on...
I hate when I have feelings for people even with all the surpressing of feelings I attempt...
I hate this morning...

At least the weather seems to be joining me in my dislike of things. I am going to try to pick up my mood today by reading scripture and staying upbeat and positive throughout the rest of the day...

But I had to be honest here and say that I am not ok. I am feeling horrible today. Please pray that that changes.

Song that I am listening to: Regina Spektor- "Hero"

Things I am Learning

It has been well over a month since I last contributed to this blog. I figured it was high time I gave anyone who reads this [and thank you for doing so] an update as to what is going on with me.

I am back at CSULB and halfway through the second week of this semester. The first week went by in a flash. I was extremely busy with multiple plans for each day. God kept me going last week as well as the fact that he restored me using the hang out times I had with people. I have been getting to know people from Navs better including my friend Jacob as well as letting people in on who I am. It has been great being completely honest with someone about who I am, what I have done. I have never been fully comfortable with that and me doing that with Alissa is simply amazing and I have begun to see God's work in that.

I made several goals on New Years' Eve that, while I am not fully achieving them, I am proud to say are taking effect within my life. I have started memorizing scripture which is exciting, loving others, being [extremely one might say] diligent with my work and doing it for God's glory, and really getting in to my Bible studies.

One thing that I am currently working on more and more is being content in God. That is something that I know I have not been ever. There are somethings that I have just given to God and made Him more important but I have also recognized the idols that i need to turn from(the need to be in a relationship, facebook, coffee, praise in school work, etc). It is fun to think about how God is changing my heart and making it more the way He desires.

I think I want to start memorizing Romans 8 as a whole. I never realized the amount of "power verses" were in that chapter. Maybe someone could keep me accountable in that?

I also wanted to share with you guys the response I did for a paper in C/LA 490:

At work or school, how do you want to be seen? What image do you want to project? Are you aware of discrepancies between the image you want to project and how others actually see you? What are they? What are the chances that projecting your preferred image will be seen and valued by the people with whom you work, and that you’ll be rewarded for possessing it? What needs to be accomplished for you to achieve that image?

In all aspects of my life I want to represent Christ. As a Christian, the goal of my life is to be a “mini Christ.” Practically, seeing as no one is perfect, I want to display love and compassion to all and in this I want to be seen as someone who stands firm in what she believes, is willing to listen to others, is willing to work hard, and never surrenders to problems. In simpler terms, and less religious ones, I want to be a good person with high moral standards, but approachably so. I know that in the past I often desired to portray this image but have acted in ways less connected to that desire. Such as saying that I do not like lying but continue to do it, or hang out with habitual liars. I know that I will be persecuted for wanting to follow Christ in all areas of my life due to the fact that this is not a popular take on life, but I know that people will appreciate honesty and hard work ethic as well as I will enjoy being true to my calling and self. To accomplish such a goal, I have to give up want I think is good for me and do what God tells me is good. It is giving up myself for the greater good of humanity and projecting truth in my life that will be a difficult thing for me because I fail and I am prideful. I need to deny myself and what I can get out of things and look for what will lift others up.

That is where I am at right now!

And this is a song that I have recently fell in love with: