End of a decade....I think it deserves a blog!

So it has been a few weeks since I made a blog post. I figured since this is New Years' Eve I should post something since I know most people do on these kind of days. So I am going to attempt, possibly unsuccessfully, to describe what 2009 has been for me.

Well, first I will say I did not fulfill my New Years' resolutions, but then again who does? I want to attempt to fix that this year and be more disciplined in what I do. So I am going to share with you what my goals [not resolutions because for some reason it sounds harder when I think of them as that]:

1. Stay active: I love hiking and dancing and doing all sorts of stuff with you guys but I find it hard to keep up. Maybe if I get my butt into gear, then I can feel better doing all these fun activities with y'all. Sarah and I are going to start doing nightly walks this semester just for a fun activity and all of you are more than welcome to join.

2. Be consistent in my TAWG: This one is pretty simple to get. For those of you who do not know what TAWG is: Time Alone With God!

3. Better steward of what God has given me: I want to start regularly tithing at my church and I have a lot of things that I want to do in the next couple of years so I better start saving!

4. Memorizing scripture: I need to just be more focused on this. Any one want to partner with me? Maybe we can factor in some sort of reward program or something.

5. Be more on top of my school work: I just got lazy this past semester and totally could have gotten a 4.0. Time for me to focus more.

So now that you have seen a little of what I want for this next year I think I shall move onto......

2009: Reflections on the past year

This past year has been one of growth, of ups/downs, and of reflection. Often when I think I find that I fall short of all that I want to be. I have started to realize the negative effects that this has had on me and my interactions with others. I find that I feel people hate me or at the very least wish I would disappear. I am starting to recognize the lies of the world when it comes to this and also starting to recognize when I should just back off.

In this past year I have found a renewed love for my creator. I didn't even realize that my relationship with God was more of a duty/checklist kind of faith verses a love relationship with God. I am starting to find interest in His word and being able to share that with others has been amazing. I am seeing God in so many different ways now that it makes me smile and ready for more. [i say that now but just watch me complain when something comes my way =P]

I have also experienced great friendships and finally am starting to realize what friendship is. Not that I never had friends before, but these friends are different. They keep me accountable, they love me when I am nuts, they help me grow in my faith, they speak truth, and I live with them =) My life has changed so much because of them and it is definitely for the better!

I have also seen the blindness I had to others this year. My goal at the beginning of this year was to have love for others as God has love for me and really just for my eyes to be open to the needs of others. Its been challenging and sometimes I pray for my eyes to be closed. The world is ugly people! But the beauty that God has given to everyone is what keeps me going, seeking to hear everyone's story!

The best part of 2009 has got to be me being able to open up to fellow sisters in Christ. I have been unable to open up to women for such a long time. I feel more comfortable with boys because they don't judge, mostly because they don't care/don't understand what I am saying. But being able to really pour out my heart with girls like Alissa and Katrina has done some serious wonder in my daily life. I am excited to continue growing in my relationships with these wonderful women and even gaining new friendships with other Godly women!

Some other highlights of 09:
Camping in Sequoia, 9.5 mile hike, discovering viento y agua/mexican hot chocolate, getting a dland season pass, mending broken friendships, discovering my love for Iran, learning to love serving others, free paramore tickets!!!, memorizing three verses, learning new songs for the guitar, late nights with fun people, discovering my love for Star Trek/Spock, learning how to get over things, and getting a 4.0 in my spring semester!

Verse for the upcoming year:

Isaiah 40:31

³¹ but those who trust in the LORD
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint.

I love you all and I hope your new year is safe! Have hope in the upcoming year!

until we are satisfied with the love of God we will never be fully satisfied!

The title truly says it all.

But there is more to this blog…

So for the past few weeks I have been going through some ups and downs. Mostly ups which is good but I just want to share something that has troubled my heart for a long time: the desire to find a husband.

Now I know what you are going to say, “Don’t worry, you have plenty of time.” Well guess what, that is not what I want to hear. I have this intense fear that I will never find the person I am supposed to be with aka that there is no person I am suppose to be with. This fear has gripped me so much and filled my head with lies. Here are some of the lies I am constantly fighting inside my head:

1. I am not worthy of love

2. I am not beautiful

3. There is something wrong with me thus no one will love me

These lies have shaped my mind into something I never wanted for myself. And how did this happen? Because I let myself believe that I was defined by how many heads I could turn or how many boyfriends I had or who fell in love with me. This is where the title kicks into play. Until we are satisfied with the love that God gives, the love that is never ending and more than sufficient for all our desire, we will never be fully happy/satisfied. We will always search for more and always come up empty.

Thanks to my beautiful friend Alissa, I have been given the challenge to shut these lies out and combat against them with the truth of God. If you are struggling with the same thing I would encourage you to find verses to memorize so when the voice of lies comes into your mind, you can guard yourself. My verses of choice are as follows:

To fight the “I am not worthy of being loved” lie: Isaiah 43

Israel's Only Savior

¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush ^a]">[a] and Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

⁶ I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

To combat the “I am not beautiful” lie:

Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)

¹⁷ The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

To combat the “there is something wrong with me” lie:

1 John 3

¹How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

I hope you may all find encouragement….Seek God because only in Him comes true love and hope that can surpass anything we desire on this earth!

A not so nice trip down memory lane....

It is a sad thing when you come to the conclusion that the people you were friends with in High School never really cared about you.

That being said, let me explain. Now when I say friends I do not mean Eirene, Nancy, Juliet, Jarod, Shalena, Mary, Corie, or any of the people I hung out with Senior year. This blog is dedicated to the people I know will never read it: Elliot and Tori Mork, Daniel, Peter, and Abbie Loehrer, and Brian Sattler. These are the people that this blog is about and also the sources of my latest realization: sometimes Christians are not true friends.

The people listed above were some of my inspirations in my pursuit of God. I played at their youth group, they were small so an acoustic set was always worth it, I bought them stuff, I invited them to parties, saved them seats on the bus, shared all my problems with them, and I thought they were what friendship looked like. I realize that during the time I hung around them, namely freshman and sophomore year, I was not mature and very needy when it came to friendship. I had not yet learned about how Christ's love is sufficient and that I didn't need to be accept by worldly standards. However, I thought that we would be friends for much longer than those two years. Imagine my disappointment when they stopped talking to me all together when they graduated and I was left behind.

I can understand losing contact but, besides Abbie, none have an excuse. I attempted to add Tori, Brian, Peter, and Daniel on my facebook. Tori flat out denied my friend request, Peter and Brian accepted but refuse to return any form of contact, and Daniel deleted me. Elliot and I talked through cell communication up until the time Ronnie moved to New Mexico. I remember the last convo clearly. I asked him for his new number and he replied, " If I wanted you to have my number, I would have called you."

These people told me they were my friends. These people lied to me and made me feel like I mattered. They act as if they are true followers and lovers of Christ but then they did this to me. The acted as if I never existed or mattered. My future of friendships will be forever tainted and fearful because of what this group did to me. I still have issues with trust and I honestly think that once I leave LB, the people I love now will forever deny my existence in their lives. This has been haunting me for the past two years now and I think it is because I am starting to see events repeat themselves.

If any of the above listed reads this, which is highly unlikely, I hope that God continues to work in your lives. I do not wish any ill will upon any of you. I am hurt by your actions but I know that God is sufficient and will provide me with the ability to move on past what you have done.

These feelings have been bugging me the past few days and I just had to let them out. Now that they are out, I hope I can just let go.

So over this nonsense

I am a Christian for those of you who do not know. I love God and I serve Him above all things. Over the summer I was shown the depth of God's love (or at least my small ability to comprehend it) and so I have been trying to give that love to others. I am finding it incredibly hard in a world where Christians are telling me to not be friends with gays or like musicals. I love people! I love everyone whether you are gay, lesbian, cross-dresser, cutter, druggie, pole dancer, or anything in this world. I love because God has shown love to me. And I think this ties in really well with the one lesson I learned over the summer. The reason I love God is because He is so kind and loving. He loves us where we are and He never expects us to be perfect when we come to Him. Maybe if we, as Christians, spent more time loving people and showing them God's kind character, maybe, just maybe gays wouldn't think God hates them or maybe it would convince the druggie that there is some one out there who loves them so much. God's kindness has the ability to change people but if we are sitting around hating on everyone then they are not going to see God's love displayed through us. I came to God because of His unconditional love and kindness, not because I was afraid of hell. If I came to God just to escape hell then all I would be seeking is fire insurance, not the love that God has offered. God did not come to heal the healthy, but to heal the sick. He came to save sinners. I am not saying that homosexuality, drug use, or sexual lifestyles are to be accepted. They should never be accepted BUT WE STILL NEED TO LOVE THEM REGARDLESS! I am tired of fighting with Christians on this issue and it is starting to bug me quite a bit. God loves everyone, no matter whether they like it or not! Show the same to others. I truly believe that homosexuals are the least witnessed to group and they are the ones who need God's love.

So here is your challenge: Show God's love to people you do not believe deserve His love (Aka everyone because even I do not deserve His love).

A long time coming...

So it has been well over a month since I have updated my current goings-on here. In apologize for my lack of updates but I have just been that busy.

Now you are probably wondering what has kept me busy? I will describe to you my business in three parts: school, extra activities, and spiritual activities.....gah i sound like I am writing one of my stupid papers for history 301.

First let us start with school. Since the start of the year, I have had a ridiculous amount of reading. When I say ridiculous I mean close to 100-500 pages a night. I have never had that much reading or cared to to that much reading. I have also had two dance papers, several history papers, a few midterms, and other assorted assignments that have kept me busy. I also suffered an intense cold that should have had me behind in class but I ended up ahead.

For those of you who do not know I am currently in five different bible studies. This does not include church on Sunday either. I have three on Tuesdays and 2 on Thursdays and this is proving to increase my stress levels on some days. I am loving what I am learning about God though and these lessons are making my weeks enjoyable. I find that when I do not do them, I am irritable and cranky.

My extra activities are increasing which is nice. I have been hanging out with friends more and finding more time to escape my dorm or to sleep more. I am going to see Rent on saturday which will be very exciting and I am also scheduled to have sibling time with Michael soon as well.

I think my biggest struggle thus far has been focus. I have been procrastinating on research for my 15 page paper that is due next Thursday. I will be forcing myself to write that this week and make an outline to discuss with my professor next Tuesday. I have been focusing on things that will not matter in the long run such as relationships with boys. I am proud to say that is not my main worry any more and I am back to having superficial crushes and nothing serious like before. There are days when all I want is for someone to ask me out but it is not the dominate force. I am also proud to say that my self esteem is improving. I am feeling better about myself and the work I do which has made a lot of things in life easier.

I am starting to feel somewhat detached from society though. Like I find myself wanting to not be around people as much and sleeping or doing homework more. I am also finding this affects my desire to love people [how can i love others if I do not want to be around people?].

That is pretty much an update on things with me and I hope you are all well.

The past days

So I know it has been awhile since I updated this [almost two weeks].

The past week and a half have been some of the most challenging/rewarding days I have had in awhile. I am going to attempt to summarize what has been going on starting......now

Ok so the first week of school was insane. I had two papers, about 100 pages of reading nightly, three bible studies, and a car accident. Everything is fine so do not worry about it. And it was not in my car but it was in Andrew's wife's car so please be in prayer for them to get it fixed ASAP!

Besides all that stress I was dealing with a greater issue concerning God. Over the summer I have grown closer to God but I also felt as if He was not giving me what I wanted so I tried to get it myself. I failed miserably and felt like the mistake I made was going to affect my life forever. Well it did but not in the bad way I was hoping. It brought me the closest I have been to God in awhile, and through this situation I met a girl named Sarah [randomly] and we have been meeting one on one for Bible study the past two weeks. I am starting another two one on one studies with my friends Alissa and Katrina. God is good and the time I spend with Him is more enjoyable than anything else!

I have also been learning a lot about the love of God. This is my conclusion as of right now [after intense study and counsel with my pastor of course]: God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love. Is this not how we are supposed to behave as well? Love unconditionally! God loves everyone regardless if they love Him back...let us reflect this in our lives as well!

God is changing my views on things and helping me see the world as He sees it. It is uncomfortable and extremely nerve racking [in fact I have been having some exhaustion issues because of it] but God is faithful and He is sufficient for me.

I do ask for prayer in the upcoming weeks as my work load is not slowing, only increasing. Pray for God's will to be made known in my life because I know I am here in LB for a purpose....I just don't know what yet.

I love you all and hope to talk with you all soon.

Deja Vu

Déjà vu

So I finally got some down time to update my blog. The past day and a half has been filled with seeing old/new friends, meeting parents, pizza, coffee, hanging with my Dad, awesome hugs, and very little sleep. It is totally worth it and the fact that I am really seeing God’s hand in things this year is making everything new for me.

I went to Convocation yesterday. In case you do not know what Convocation is, I will explain it to you. It is this huge event held at the Carpenter Center on Campus to discuss the State of the University. The Provost, chair of academic senate, and the Prez all speak on the future of the CSULB.

I looked through the P. Scholar picture book and remembered the first time I saw one. I received one on the day I was nominated for this program. I remember looking at all the people and saying to myself, there is no way you will get this. Even today I still cannot believe that I am here. I am so blessed to be here and I am still finding what God has in store here.

I started to tear up a little when I thought back on how far things have come over the past year. I am an overly emotional individual so this is not surprising to me. My relationship with God is so much more now than it was a year ago. I have mellowed out a whole lot. I have made friendships that I know will grow. I might have also gained some weight so I might need to change that one lol. But for the most part, I am a different person than I was a year ago.

Be in prayer for my first week as I am getting used to a new schedule[both work and school] and I also have a lot of walking to do. I need to water!

God's Infinite Love

God’s infinite love

So I could have just left the title and that would have been enough. God is sufficient for all my needs and definitely for this blog.

But I am not going to. =)
The past week has been incredibly weird and God is showing me more and more how much he loves me. Last time I added to the blog I had mentioned my sleep deprivation and my lack of wanting foodage. Well that continued pretty steadily until yesterday [Sunday] where for some reason I was craving some food and also a well needed nap [I only got the food but God delivered me great friends to keep me awake].
I was also incredibly stupid this weekend. I went against God’s will and took things into my own actions. I realized the second after I gave into my wants what an idiotic move that was. Why do I seem to have some extreme authority issues with the God of the universe but not a mere man? Geez. But I have been praying not only for God’s forgiveness but also for Him to change my wants and desires to fit His plan. I also told Him to keep a thumb on me so I cannot move until He says. Obedience is difficult, but, as I discussed with Katrina earlier, it is better to be stabbed in the face [with truth] than to be stabbed in the back [with lies or truth].
I was really excited because last week I got to work with my favorite teacher from high school, Mr. Hartsock. I got to share with him what I have been learning about God and it is funny because I finally understand what Hartsock was getting at for the past five years. God is love and judgment all in one, who am I to dictate His moves?
I go back to Long Beach this week and I am praying nonstop for a year that brings glory to my loving God and keeps me in His loving arms. I need prayer to really keep my focus on God and His desires, not my own. I also need to pray that I can stop being so self-serving and really be a true servant of the most high!
Please keep me in your prayers this semester, and especially the upcoming week. I am going to need some serious strength. I would even be ok with God’s weakness and foolishness because it is infinitely more than I will ever need. [Thanks for giving that awesome advice at Last Blast Alissa!]
Peace =)

Encore Deluxe

So it has been an intense day.

Yesterday my friend [I call him my brother] and his girl friend came down to spend the night here in cc and then today we went to our friend Katrina's birthday get together at her house. I was extremely nervous to meet my friend's girl friend and I just prayed all day yesterday that we would get along great and that she wouldn't hate me. Well God definitely answered that prayer. I loved her to death and while she might not find me cool that is ok.

I love being able to see how God works in other people's lives and also getting the chance to share what God is doing in me.

Today went pretty much according to plan, which if you know me....nothing happens like I plan it to. I was able to get my transcript request in without waiting in line, I got new strings and a new strap for my guitar [the strap is amazing fyi], and I got to spend quality time with people that I truly love and play the awesome game of Encore. I was nervous because I was going to be hanging out with the guy I liked a lot [if you are clueless about who this is...read the previous blog] and I wanted things to be normal and chill. But as soon as I saw him i felt anger and sadness.

Looking back on our time together today I wish I could do some things differently. Like just joking around and really opening up like we used to. I felt distant and he probably did too which makes me sad. I am hoping he will come out to visit me before we go back to LB and we can really talk and just get things square between us. He is such a good friend and I need to treat him better than I did today, I pray gives me the chance.

Then I got to meet up with my friend Isa at Jack-N-The-Box and just talk about what God is doing in our lives. If you do not know Isa then you are sadly being deprived of one of the best people in the world. Today our conversation turned in a way I didn't expect and she said something I didn't agree with. Last year I would have gotten into a debate but today I just listened and desired to learn from her...not jump down her throat like I do normally with people who disagree with me. God is definitely teaching me patience and giving me a heart that longs to learn and understand...not totally criticize.

God is working in my life so much that sometimes I get lost in what He is doing. I am seeing change and definitely hurting from it but also loving it. Its like the pain that comes from exercise.

I need some serious prayer because lately I have had no desire to eat or sleep. These are two things I need and please pray that soon I will be able to eat [healthy of course] and sleep and actually want to.

That is it for now!

So about last night

Last night was one of the weirdest nights I have had in awhile. It all started off with me watching the Degrassi movie. Which was good but also sucked because it lefts so many stories unfinished and I know that most of those people are not going to be in the show any more so that kind of cheesed me off.

However, Ellie said a line that I thought was really good. Maybe it is just because she used requited instead of returned but it comes when she and Craig are not really fighting and she says, " I just have to realize that my feelings for you will never be requited." I teared up a little but quickly got over it.

Well, then I got on Facebook and around 11 ish I started talking to the guy I really like right now. The conversation started off about the movie but after that I had to ask this question that i knew would break my heart. I asked him if he liked this other girl and he eventually told me that my suspicions were correct. The next hour I cried and said sarcastic and hurtful things back to him and I knew what I was saying was wrong. Because even if he never returned my feelings, he is one of the best friends I have/will ever have. [Do not worry Juliet, you trump them all! lol]

We continued to talk and slowly the tears stopped falling and my anger stopped and I realized I should apologize for my hurtful words. I started to feel better right away.

The conversation to a dramatic turn. I started talking about what all God has done for me over the past year, especially this summer, and just finally listing the blessing made me feel better. I also shared the passage Jeremiah 29:11, which he said was really great and really hopeful.

We talked for a bit more and then he needed to get to bed. Instead of me going straight to bed, I read the last verses from Zephaniah. They are so hopeful and even though I know these things to be true, I am glad God reminds of His never ending love for me [and everyone else of course].

This morning I woke up far earlier than I intended, and while my first response to the idea of today is to sit around and cry and eat ice cream in my pjs and just watch musicals, God had bigger plans and got me up 6 hours after I fell asleep. So I have no idea what is in store but it is going to be better than Ben and Jerry!

"Praise Him if we lose and Praise Him if we win!" -Facing the Giants

So In short: Degrassi movie was good if you have watched the series [if you have not...do not watch it!], my heart was bruised but not broken, and God is so good and loves us more than anything we could ever imagine!

Peace yo!

I do not blog

The title of this blog is exactly how I felt a year ago when asked why I didn't have a blog. And to some extent, the statement is still true. However, I feel that I should jump on this bandwagon or whatever because I want people to know what is going on in my life and how they can pray for not only me but for others that I may come in contact with.

So let us begin with an update on the current life of me...sounds awfully conceited.

For those of you who do not know, I am going to be starting my second year at CSULB. This past week I was hit with a total of five anxiety attacks. Most came when I was trying to figure out how much I owed for food plan or when I was worried that i would not have my job this coming fall. Then, when I would try to read my Bible I would get intense warm spells that made me feel sick or I would find it hard to breathe. This was definitely not normal.

I finally got stuff academically and financially fixed so I was able to breathe easier. And when the attacks started coming in really bad while I was reading, I got on facebook. Thank goodness for the prayers of good friends!

I have been doing a study of Zephaniah. I know it makes Katrina laugh a lot when I say that I never realized there was a Zephaniah but I truly didn't. How did I not know this great book existed? Any ways, it has been convicting me a lot on my walk with God. I know [now fully] that God's grace does not leave but that I want to study the Bible more to deepen my relationship with Him. This book, along with Blue Like Jazz, has shown me a lot about how I treat others and how I treat God. God placed these things into my life for a purpose, and believe me they have had their affect.

So in short: God has transformed my thinking this summer, prayer is helping thwart the attacks of Satan, and I am going to have a job this year....yay!

Well I will update more later. Peace