End of a decade....I think it deserves a blog!

So it has been a few weeks since I made a blog post. I figured since this is New Years' Eve I should post something since I know most people do on these kind of days. So I am going to attempt, possibly unsuccessfully, to describe what 2009 has been for me.

Well, first I will say I did not fulfill my New Years' resolutions, but then again who does? I want to attempt to fix that this year and be more disciplined in what I do. So I am going to share with you what my goals [not resolutions because for some reason it sounds harder when I think of them as that]:

1. Stay active: I love hiking and dancing and doing all sorts of stuff with you guys but I find it hard to keep up. Maybe if I get my butt into gear, then I can feel better doing all these fun activities with y'all. Sarah and I are going to start doing nightly walks this semester just for a fun activity and all of you are more than welcome to join.

2. Be consistent in my TAWG: This one is pretty simple to get. For those of you who do not know what TAWG is: Time Alone With God!

3. Better steward of what God has given me: I want to start regularly tithing at my church and I have a lot of things that I want to do in the next couple of years so I better start saving!

4. Memorizing scripture: I need to just be more focused on this. Any one want to partner with me? Maybe we can factor in some sort of reward program or something.

5. Be more on top of my school work: I just got lazy this past semester and totally could have gotten a 4.0. Time for me to focus more.

So now that you have seen a little of what I want for this next year I think I shall move onto......

2009: Reflections on the past year

This past year has been one of growth, of ups/downs, and of reflection. Often when I think I find that I fall short of all that I want to be. I have started to realize the negative effects that this has had on me and my interactions with others. I find that I feel people hate me or at the very least wish I would disappear. I am starting to recognize the lies of the world when it comes to this and also starting to recognize when I should just back off.

In this past year I have found a renewed love for my creator. I didn't even realize that my relationship with God was more of a duty/checklist kind of faith verses a love relationship with God. I am starting to find interest in His word and being able to share that with others has been amazing. I am seeing God in so many different ways now that it makes me smile and ready for more. [i say that now but just watch me complain when something comes my way =P]

I have also experienced great friendships and finally am starting to realize what friendship is. Not that I never had friends before, but these friends are different. They keep me accountable, they love me when I am nuts, they help me grow in my faith, they speak truth, and I live with them =) My life has changed so much because of them and it is definitely for the better!

I have also seen the blindness I had to others this year. My goal at the beginning of this year was to have love for others as God has love for me and really just for my eyes to be open to the needs of others. Its been challenging and sometimes I pray for my eyes to be closed. The world is ugly people! But the beauty that God has given to everyone is what keeps me going, seeking to hear everyone's story!

The best part of 2009 has got to be me being able to open up to fellow sisters in Christ. I have been unable to open up to women for such a long time. I feel more comfortable with boys because they don't judge, mostly because they don't care/don't understand what I am saying. But being able to really pour out my heart with girls like Alissa and Katrina has done some serious wonder in my daily life. I am excited to continue growing in my relationships with these wonderful women and even gaining new friendships with other Godly women!

Some other highlights of 09:
Camping in Sequoia, 9.5 mile hike, discovering viento y agua/mexican hot chocolate, getting a dland season pass, mending broken friendships, discovering my love for Iran, learning to love serving others, free paramore tickets!!!, memorizing three verses, learning new songs for the guitar, late nights with fun people, discovering my love for Star Trek/Spock, learning how to get over things, and getting a 4.0 in my spring semester!

Verse for the upcoming year:

Isaiah 40:31

³¹ but those who trust in the LORD
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint.

I love you all and I hope your new year is safe! Have hope in the upcoming year!

until we are satisfied with the love of God we will never be fully satisfied!

The title truly says it all.

But there is more to this blog…

So for the past few weeks I have been going through some ups and downs. Mostly ups which is good but I just want to share something that has troubled my heart for a long time: the desire to find a husband.

Now I know what you are going to say, “Don’t worry, you have plenty of time.” Well guess what, that is not what I want to hear. I have this intense fear that I will never find the person I am supposed to be with aka that there is no person I am suppose to be with. This fear has gripped me so much and filled my head with lies. Here are some of the lies I am constantly fighting inside my head:

1. I am not worthy of love

2. I am not beautiful

3. There is something wrong with me thus no one will love me

These lies have shaped my mind into something I never wanted for myself. And how did this happen? Because I let myself believe that I was defined by how many heads I could turn or how many boyfriends I had or who fell in love with me. This is where the title kicks into play. Until we are satisfied with the love that God gives, the love that is never ending and more than sufficient for all our desire, we will never be fully happy/satisfied. We will always search for more and always come up empty.

Thanks to my beautiful friend Alissa, I have been given the challenge to shut these lies out and combat against them with the truth of God. If you are struggling with the same thing I would encourage you to find verses to memorize so when the voice of lies comes into your mind, you can guard yourself. My verses of choice are as follows:

To fight the “I am not worthy of being loved” lie: Isaiah 43

Israel's Only Savior

¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush ^a]">[a] and Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

⁶ I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

To combat the “I am not beautiful” lie:

Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)

¹⁷ The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

To combat the “there is something wrong with me” lie:

1 John 3

¹How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

I hope you may all find encouragement….Seek God because only in Him comes true love and hope that can surpass anything we desire on this earth!