Hey Everyone. I realize it has been way too long since I updated my blog and after the events of today, I felt the need to just unleash some thoughts and feelings.
This semester has been amazing. My classes surpass my expectations and are showing me God's face more than I think my professors intended to. I have loved learning about how our creator has made each sea creature so amazing and unique. I am blown away when I see His beauty in creation.
My lessons on Stewardship have been even more rewarding. The challenges that Alissa has been giving me seem simple enough but have proved to take every ounce of my intention in order to do them. The one I am currently looking at is What does it look like to keep in step with the Spirit? I have been reading the book of John and then each day turning over the day to God. This week though, I decided to take it a step further and really let God come into my studying. Today I had a midterm in California History and was completely unprepared for what the teacher gave. I had prayed going into this test that God be glorified and that if I am supposed to be a history professor, God would get me in to grad school no matter what. I am pretty sure I would be incredibly lucky if I got a B on this exam but I am at total peace. It is weird. I have always been one to freak but I just have this reassurance that I will be alright and this midterm, in the grand scope of time, will be nothing. As I walked back to the dorms, I was reminded of my favorite passage in Romans, 8:37-39. What a blessing to be loved by God no matter what! What a blessing to know that His plan will go forth no matter what crazy random circumstances come! This is where my peace is coming from today.
God's joy is possible even when we feel that hope is lost. We can always be reminded of His faithfulness and His working in our lives. It is because of this that we can do anything in this world. Apart from Him, we can do nothing!
So in short: Be excited because even with bad grades God has a purpose that will bring glory to Him and never separate you from His amazing love!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Plot : The Stealing of the Mustang Mascot
The plan was fool proof. There was no way they could fail now. As Samantha Robinson pulled up behind the school, behind the railroad tracks where the buses drop off, she began to have doubts as to the success of their plot. “I do not know about this guys,” Samantha said with doubt in her tone, “Why can’t we just leave them a degrading note or something on their gym or change the M on the football field to a C? Do we really have to steal their mascot?”
“Lighten up Sam,” laughed Rudie as she messed up Samantha’s hair, “You and Norman are just going to sit here and keep the engine running while me and Monique go in, grab the stupid costume, and then we will all go to Denny’s to celebrate.” Samantha wasn’t convinced. “You still owe me gas money for all of this,” said Sam as she rolled her eyes and put the car in park. Norman sees Sam’s fear and gently reminds her that they will all be ok and at the first sign of trouble they can drive off, without Rudie and Monique. Rudie glares at Norman and plans to get her revenge on him at a later point. Right now, she needed to focus.
As Rudie and Monique get out of the car, Rudie’s mind starts going a million miles an hour. All at once she is trying to remember how everything is about to happen. They would use the cover of darkness to get over to the hall in which Ms. Kies’s room is located. Once there, the doors remain unlocked up until the room itself. Luckily, they had snuck the key out during a class they had with Ms. Kies earlier that day.
Getting into the room was a breeze and thanks to Athena, they knew exactly where to find the lovely (sarcasm) Mustang costume. Finding it with ease they began to get careless in their judgment, laughing and joking at the top of their lungs. The sound they made boomed throughout the hall. Outside the front of the school happened to be a police officer doing his rounds when he heard the ruckus the girls were making. He decided he better check on the school.
As the girls headed outside they noticed the police officer and panicked. They would not be able to make to Sam’s car and not get caught. They decided to try to make a run for it, but as the girls approached the football field, they knew they would not be able to escape without some diversion. Rudie turns to Monique and says, “Time to act natural.”
As the police approached the field, he took out his flashlight. What he saw confused him. There was the Mustang mascot costume but it appeared to be eating the grass. Riding on the mascot was a girl in a cowboy hat. “What are you doing?” asked the officer with a bewildered look on his face.
“What does it look like? I am feeding my horse,” replied Monique coolly. The officer was so astounded and amused. He couldn’t let the girls go, though, and said, “Well, I think you and your horse need to come with me.” Rudie wasn’t about to let it go down this way and started galloping away. The police officer was in hot pursuit as Rudie and Monique approached Sam’s car. They jumped inside and Sam sped off.
Not even a minute later, Doug is sitting in his room, checking his facebook, when his mom comes in. “Doug? The Mojave Mustang and a few others are here to see you.” The gang walks in with Rudie still in the Mustang costume.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Hosea Part I
Hello all! I know it has been forever since I posted and I was going to post all of my study of Hosea in one post. Alas, I cannot. This book is way too much to dissect in one go. So I am going to discuss the concept of brokenness and how it can bring us back to where we began. I am finding out just how much God is in love with us and it makes me cry reading this book.
I have recently been thinking about how God pursues us. He loves us so relentlessly that He follows us into it all showing His love in everything our lives bring us. He does not force our love in return but desires it. I know you are probably like, "Duh, Athena." but this is new to me.
In Chapter two, God discusses how He will bring Israel to a point where they will have to acknowledge Him to survive. They think they can handle it all with "their other lovers" but they cannot. God has the power over everything. He can change the hearts of our friends to turn away from us in our time of need. I think God does this to show us just how unstable human love truly is. We fail even when we do not mean to. However God's love is never ending and is permanent.
After God's discussion on how He will bring Israel to its knees, God then says He will allure her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. This part astounded me. I didn't think Israel was getting out of this one and it reminded me of a time with my dad. I had stolen a pen from a store at the airport when I was 6 and he found out. Before my dad spanked me, he explained how he loved me and just wants me to know that he will no matter what. It is hard to believe as his hand comes down hard on my backside but it is so true.
All of my thoughts have led me to think of what I put up on a pedestal as God or instead of. I was talking to my High School Chem teacher today and he said something kinda cool. His wife wants him to be protected while he drives and gave him a rosary. He is not catholic and doesn't believe in the rosary but sometimes, seeing the cross will be an alter of sorts, a way to remind himself of God. He has to remind himself though that the little stupid jesus on the rosary is not his risen savior. That got me thinking a lot. Sometimes i feel as if Navigators is Jesus and while they teach me more about my God, they are not God themselves. I feel this way about a lot of things though and God is revealing this to me each day.
So this has been a post that doesn't make the most sense but it does to me =)
I encourage you guys to read Hosea and maybe you can help me with a few questions =)
I have recently been thinking about how God pursues us. He loves us so relentlessly that He follows us into it all showing His love in everything our lives bring us. He does not force our love in return but desires it. I know you are probably like, "Duh, Athena." but this is new to me.
In Chapter two, God discusses how He will bring Israel to a point where they will have to acknowledge Him to survive. They think they can handle it all with "their other lovers" but they cannot. God has the power over everything. He can change the hearts of our friends to turn away from us in our time of need. I think God does this to show us just how unstable human love truly is. We fail even when we do not mean to. However God's love is never ending and is permanent.
After God's discussion on how He will bring Israel to its knees, God then says He will allure her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. This part astounded me. I didn't think Israel was getting out of this one and it reminded me of a time with my dad. I had stolen a pen from a store at the airport when I was 6 and he found out. Before my dad spanked me, he explained how he loved me and just wants me to know that he will no matter what. It is hard to believe as his hand comes down hard on my backside but it is so true.
All of my thoughts have led me to think of what I put up on a pedestal as God or instead of. I was talking to my High School Chem teacher today and he said something kinda cool. His wife wants him to be protected while he drives and gave him a rosary. He is not catholic and doesn't believe in the rosary but sometimes, seeing the cross will be an alter of sorts, a way to remind himself of God. He has to remind himself though that the little stupid jesus on the rosary is not his risen savior. That got me thinking a lot. Sometimes i feel as if Navigators is Jesus and while they teach me more about my God, they are not God themselves. I feel this way about a lot of things though and God is revealing this to me each day.
So this has been a post that doesn't make the most sense but it does to me =)
I encourage you guys to read Hosea and maybe you can help me with a few questions =)
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Some Thoughts (as found in my journal)
I have been thinking a lot about God lately and my relationship with Him. Actually, this is a lie. I have been bombarded with truths about God and His role in my life. I have been attempting to suppress His voice for reasons I do not fully understand. It all started June 20th, Father's Day, when Pastor Bob gave a sermon on the following: "If I could go to heaven and be with everyone I love and it be absolutely perfect But Jesus wasn't there, would I still want to go?" This question hit me and got me thinking a lot. I think I would say no to going to heaven if this were the case. But I have my days (or years) of not loving God as I should and I think I have figured out why. I just finished reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. In the book, Miller discusses the concept of story and how it translates into a life. One point he makes which I found extremely profound was how human lives are not like stories in that we do not have climaxes, or moments that solve all our problems. I often think that relationships, possessions, and even my relationship with God will be like a climax in which once this one thing comes into my life, my problems will disappear. Once I realize this is a lie, I can be free to love people more fully, get more out of my stuff or let it go, and desire to spend more time making a better story with my creator leading the way, knowing that none of these things remove the problems of my life.
Once I get to a place, I do not remember the journey most of the time. This is why I have to set up alters....not because God likes seeing piles of rocks but to remind myself of God's faithfulness. It is like we were discussing in Sunday School two weeks ago: Samuel and the Israelites set up an alter to remember God's faithfulness against their enemy, the Philistines.
God prayed for us that the evil one would not triumph over us...not that we would have perfect, problem free lives.
Miller brings up a point that I learned at STP: God takes delight in us. Miller compares it to his dog Lucy. He loves watching his dog play in the creek and he takes pleasure in her pleasure. It is the same with God. He delights in us playing and discovering life. God wants us to enjoy life and remain faithful to Him. They go hand in hand, I am learning, in that really getting the most out of life comes from a relationship with God. This is an exciting process and I am eager, and scared, of what awaits around the corner.
Once I get to a place, I do not remember the journey most of the time. This is why I have to set up alters....not because God likes seeing piles of rocks but to remind myself of God's faithfulness. It is like we were discussing in Sunday School two weeks ago: Samuel and the Israelites set up an alter to remember God's faithfulness against their enemy, the Philistines.
God prayed for us that the evil one would not triumph over us...not that we would have perfect, problem free lives.
Miller brings up a point that I learned at STP: God takes delight in us. Miller compares it to his dog Lucy. He loves watching his dog play in the creek and he takes pleasure in her pleasure. It is the same with God. He delights in us playing and discovering life. God wants us to enjoy life and remain faithful to Him. They go hand in hand, I am learning, in that really getting the most out of life comes from a relationship with God. This is an exciting process and I am eager, and scared, of what awaits around the corner.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
just realized something
I am starting to figure out that I do not matter to people. I see all the happy conversations people are having via facebook and I feel left out. I am giving up I think. No one reads this blog any way.
It's about time
So I figured it was about time I updated this thing with my conclusion of STP. I am going to do so but I am going to preface this little spiel with the fact that I am still processing and I will most likely not know to the extent that I learned at the Greenhouse STP. I am still processing all that was said, reading through journals and attempting to sift emotions that I have about the whole experience. This is quite a lengthy process.
Any ways....on to the good stuff.
I think one thing I learned that I didn't necessarily understand before was more on the concept of God liking me. Ok, you are probably saying to yourself, "Athena, God loves everyone." Yes, I know but does He like me? The answer is not only yes but he takes delight in me. Kyu-Ho gave a great talk on the kingdom and what God desires from us. He desires faithfulness, like that of a Bride to a Groom, Husband to wife. We are like kids in a living room running amuck and God is the Father on the couch just delighting in His child. This made me realize something and Kyu-Ho says it really well: The more we hide, the more we wonder which "us" He loves. Be honest and just know that He loves you, the real, messed up you!
I also learned the importance of evangelism and how to do it. Steven's crash course in how to strike up the convo was so handy. We did evangelism both Saturdays at STP and the first time I cried. I was so scared and nervous. Luckily, I had Diana, my teamleader, as my partner and she just told me to pray for us as we went out. I ended up sharing the bridge with a girl from Switzerland. This made me realize that I want to do an IBD with international students next semester. Hopefully it works out.
I think the greatest concept that was reinforced while there was the awesomeness that praying through Psalm can be. Towards the end of STP, I was fed up with getting nothing from Colossians, and maybe I wasn't meant to, but I was ready to just throw in the towel. Steven encouraged me to read Psalm 13 and oh boy that chapter is so what I was thinking....minus the last part. Psalm 13 says:
Any ways....on to the good stuff.
I think one thing I learned that I didn't necessarily understand before was more on the concept of God liking me. Ok, you are probably saying to yourself, "Athena, God loves everyone." Yes, I know but does He like me? The answer is not only yes but he takes delight in me. Kyu-Ho gave a great talk on the kingdom and what God desires from us. He desires faithfulness, like that of a Bride to a Groom, Husband to wife. We are like kids in a living room running amuck and God is the Father on the couch just delighting in His child. This made me realize something and Kyu-Ho says it really well: The more we hide, the more we wonder which "us" He loves. Be honest and just know that He loves you, the real, messed up you!
I also learned the importance of evangelism and how to do it. Steven's crash course in how to strike up the convo was so handy. We did evangelism both Saturdays at STP and the first time I cried. I was so scared and nervous. Luckily, I had Diana, my teamleader, as my partner and she just told me to pray for us as we went out. I ended up sharing the bridge with a girl from Switzerland. This made me realize that I want to do an IBD with international students next semester. Hopefully it works out.
I think the greatest concept that was reinforced while there was the awesomeness that praying through Psalm can be. Towards the end of STP, I was fed up with getting nothing from Colossians, and maybe I wasn't meant to, but I was ready to just throw in the towel. Steven encouraged me to read Psalm 13 and oh boy that chapter is so what I was thinking....minus the last part. Psalm 13 says:
1A)"> How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
My life is moving pretty fast out here in the desert and I am spending time getting a lot of stuff done in my room. I hope you are all well and look forward to seeing some of you soon!
How long will you hide your face from me?
2How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
5But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
I was pretty much feeling it all except the last part. I wasn't remembering God's faithfulness. I started journaling through this and this led to other Psalms and other books.
We also had some really fun dance time =)
So To recap: STP was awesome and I am still finding that I learned more than I thought. I also made good friends even if they do not talk to me on facebook now.My life is moving pretty fast out here in the desert and I am spending time getting a lot of stuff done in my room. I hope you are all well and look forward to seeing some of you soon!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Greenhouse STP
STP 2010 has been amazing so far. We are studying the book of Colossians and really just running after God in this two week period. The first week is done and while it seemed like the longest week of my life, it has also been such a good week.
Our daily Schedule
Have been thinking critically about what I believe about God?
Is God and His word what drives my thinking or do I use Him as a resource, not the source?
Am I being transparent and vulnerable?
I am realizing how much I am not vulnerable with my sin and that is hindering me from getting beyond this sin. I am more worried about my standing with people than getting past these sins I fall into over and over again. I also got to do evangelism with a stranger for the first time yesterday. I shared the bridge with a girl named Stefanie from Switzerland and it was so exciting. She did not jump all over wanting to be saved because she doesn't see a need for God but it made me realize I have a heart for the international students. I think I want to do an IBD with I-House next semester.
God has been so gracious here at STP and I cannot wait to share more, but for now I am going to go eat dinner. I love you all!
Our daily Schedule
- 8:30-9am: Breakfast
- 9-9:20am: Worship through music
- 9:20-11:20: Bible study prep
- 11:20-12:20: Bible study in our teams
- 12:20-1: Lunch
- 1-5: Work (I work in the dining hall, go figure=)
- 6-7: Dinner
- 7-whenever: Nav Night or team bonding
Have been thinking critically about what I believe about God?
Is God and His word what drives my thinking or do I use Him as a resource, not the source?
Am I being transparent and vulnerable?
I am realizing how much I am not vulnerable with my sin and that is hindering me from getting beyond this sin. I am more worried about my standing with people than getting past these sins I fall into over and over again. I also got to do evangelism with a stranger for the first time yesterday. I shared the bridge with a girl named Stefanie from Switzerland and it was so exciting. She did not jump all over wanting to be saved because she doesn't see a need for God but it made me realize I have a heart for the international students. I think I want to do an IBD with I-House next semester.
God has been so gracious here at STP and I cannot wait to share more, but for now I am going to go eat dinner. I love you all!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Pre-STP: The Close of My Fourth Semester at CSULB
Well, I am now officially moving into my third year at CSULB. It is super crazy just how much things are changing in my life. Just thinking about where I was at the beginning of this semester and how God is changing my heart has been astounding and mind boggling. I am truly blessed, even when the changes hurt.
As I prepare to head to Summer Training Program with the Navigators at Pine Valley Bible Camp, I am thinking about what I want to see happen. I really want to spend a lot of quiet time with God. I know that once I get home, I might get distracted with matters in CC. I am praying that this intentional time with God will carry me home and help me seek consistency in my walk with Christ. I do not really know what to expect for STP, I just know God is going to work and I am excited to see that.
I am also working through not being sad about all of the friends who are graduating or moving far away. I had a good cry about that on the way back from the beach today and I am just praying to God that He comforts my heart and blocks out the lies that satan is telling me in that I will never see these people again. I hope that even if that be the case that I will be ok with that and be happy for these wonderful friends and the journey that God has in store for them. I know that someday, approaching quite soon, I will be one of these people who leave to continue the journey elsewhere. God has work that is to be done and I am trying to get to a place where that doesn't frighten me so.
This summer is looking so promising. I am praying that God will help me in CC, working with my home church and the youth that are there, I am planning some ideas for fun outreach days with the youth. I also want to be a blessing to my Dad's best friend, Steve Knight. As of right now, it looks like I may be working with his campaign this summer. I just pray that God's hand is visible in this campaign. I hate politics but Steve is like my Uncle and I adore him. He is a great person and truly loves God. I just pray that I can be a light in the dark political world as he has been too!
I am running on very little sleep after an all-night adventure [which was amazing] and so I think I shall conclude this blog post. I love you all and pray that you are seeking God above all else!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Why Do I Think This?
Why/Where =>Why do I think I am not good enough to ever be loved? Where is this idea coming from?
I see boys that I have had crushes on dating other girls and this makes me feel like "Hey?! Why was I not good enough?" I do not even have feelings for these guys any more. Why I am I so upset then? I did not get the Peer Mentor for Learning Alliance and when I looked at the list I thought "Hey?! I did better than some of them! Why did they get picked? Did I do something wrong?" When Kemper is too busy to hang out I feel like he doesn't care for me at all. I see my friends hanging out without me and I feel left out and unwanted. I see others getting better grades and I think that I am dumb. I put my hope and trust in the actions of people. When they don't fulfill my needs, I am hurt and feel like giving up. I get joy from them and when they let me down, I stumble. When I am not doing better than everyone around me, I feel like there is something wrong with me. I do not find my rest in Christ. Instead I try to rest on a stormy ocean. I am led by my feelings and my desire for attention. I crave love from the opposite sex more than from God. I say "God, I know that you are my husband but I want another." I wallow in my pitty for myself because I know my thoughts are wrong and my actions show my lack of faith that God will provide.
What does God have to say about this?
The lies:
I see boys that I have had crushes on dating other girls and this makes me feel like "Hey?! Why was I not good enough?" I do not even have feelings for these guys any more. Why I am I so upset then? I did not get the Peer Mentor for Learning Alliance and when I looked at the list I thought "Hey?! I did better than some of them! Why did they get picked? Did I do something wrong?" When Kemper is too busy to hang out I feel like he doesn't care for me at all. I see my friends hanging out without me and I feel left out and unwanted. I see others getting better grades and I think that I am dumb. I put my hope and trust in the actions of people. When they don't fulfill my needs, I am hurt and feel like giving up. I get joy from them and when they let me down, I stumble. When I am not doing better than everyone around me, I feel like there is something wrong with me. I do not find my rest in Christ. Instead I try to rest on a stormy ocean. I am led by my feelings and my desire for attention. I crave love from the opposite sex more than from God. I say "God, I know that you are my husband but I want another." I wallow in my pitty for myself because I know my thoughts are wrong and my actions show my lack of faith that God will provide.
What does God have to say about this?
The lies:
- I am not good enough for the attention of others
- There is something wrong with me that makes me undesirable
- My friend's don't care about me
- I am stupid and incapable of pursuing my passion
- All I need to be happy is a boyfriend/husband
- I am a failure and God hates me
- I am good enough for the attention of others, but God does not want that for me [A case of Open and Closed doors]. He desires my attention and until that happens, He will not allow me to pursue the destructive desires of my heart. My heart is divided. (Jeremiah 29:11)
- (Psalm 139:13-16) God does not make trash but He made me in His image. I am His workmanship (Ephesians 2:8-10) and He created me with a purpose.
- My friends do care! This is another open/closed door case where God wants my time. He does not want the leftovers of my day. They are figuring their priorities too and I also keep things from them.
- God has formed me for my passion and gives me the capability to perform in my classes. I am not intelligent on my own, but God gives me this capacity. When this comes up: "Are you questioning God's intelligence?"
- All I need is an unchanging foundation and I associate this with a significant other. God is the only unchanging one.
- I am a failure when I do not let God lead. But because of Christ's sacrifice, I am blameless in His sight and He loves me. I am an heir in His kingdom.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Reflection on the Last 19 years of my life
So I am turning 20 tomorrow (at 11:30 am) and I was thinking about the past two decades that has been my life. I have decided to share some thoughts with ya'll. First I am going to give a mini bio of my life thus far and share some thoughts I have had recently.
I was born March 16th, 1990 at 11:30 am at AV Hospital in Lancaster, Ca. My beautiful parents had been married for about four years then, my mom being 20 and my dad being 25. We lived in sunny California City until I was about 2 and then we headed to Seattle Washington so my dad would not lose his job. What I remember of my life in Washington is a lot of playing in forests, swimming in indoor pools, and lots of rain and snow. I do not remember my education at all, but apparently it was harder than the California school system.
At the age of 7, my family got the chance to move back to California City and we took it. It was nice to be back with our family (both sets of G-parents lived in CC even though my dad's mom had recently died from lung cancer). I felt out of place at the school but I eventually made some decent acquaintances. My school years were filled with trying to get straights A's because I wanted to be known for something and also with trying to fit in. I never really succeeded in the latter but I excelled in the first. I got along extremely well with my teachers and up until High school I think they were my only true friends.
Once I hit high school, I had ups and downs on the friendship train but I eventually found my niche. Juliet, Eirene, Nancy, Corie, Mary, and Shalena.....you guys made hs worth it! You guys taught me so much about what love can look like and I am sorry for not being there more for you all! I was so focused on how I could get ahead and not trusting in God to provide.
Thankfully, I am here at CSULB and God is growing me more than I have ever seen before. I am being challenged spiritually and really getting the accountability and discipleship I longed for back at home. Between Navs and Revolution Church LB, I am getting bombarded by the truth! [I want to give a special shout out to Alissa! You have really been willing to hit me with the truth and ask me some tough questions! Thank you for not just letting me go on in the lies that I used to cling to!] I am starting to realize that I haven't put my trust in God and that I felt that I needed to work to earn all the stuff I want in life. God is also showing me how to let go and let Him take over.
I have been listening to this song called "Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb and there is a part in there that has hit me pretty well the past week. It goes:
So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
How true this portion of the song is! This is how I have been feeling and I know that God is faithful and will forgive me. I have been going through so many changes and I still cannot verbally describe what is going on inside me. When I can, I will let you know. Just pray for me to continue to seek God in all that I do and give over to Him my future!
I was born March 16th, 1990 at 11:30 am at AV Hospital in Lancaster, Ca. My beautiful parents had been married for about four years then, my mom being 20 and my dad being 25. We lived in sunny California City until I was about 2 and then we headed to Seattle Washington so my dad would not lose his job. What I remember of my life in Washington is a lot of playing in forests, swimming in indoor pools, and lots of rain and snow. I do not remember my education at all, but apparently it was harder than the California school system.
At the age of 7, my family got the chance to move back to California City and we took it. It was nice to be back with our family (both sets of G-parents lived in CC even though my dad's mom had recently died from lung cancer). I felt out of place at the school but I eventually made some decent acquaintances. My school years were filled with trying to get straights A's because I wanted to be known for something and also with trying to fit in. I never really succeeded in the latter but I excelled in the first. I got along extremely well with my teachers and up until High school I think they were my only true friends.
Once I hit high school, I had ups and downs on the friendship train but I eventually found my niche. Juliet, Eirene, Nancy, Corie, Mary, and Shalena.....you guys made hs worth it! You guys taught me so much about what love can look like and I am sorry for not being there more for you all! I was so focused on how I could get ahead and not trusting in God to provide.
Thankfully, I am here at CSULB and God is growing me more than I have ever seen before. I am being challenged spiritually and really getting the accountability and discipleship I longed for back at home. Between Navs and Revolution Church LB, I am getting bombarded by the truth! [I want to give a special shout out to Alissa! You have really been willing to hit me with the truth and ask me some tough questions! Thank you for not just letting me go on in the lies that I used to cling to!] I am starting to realize that I haven't put my trust in God and that I felt that I needed to work to earn all the stuff I want in life. God is also showing me how to let go and let Him take over.
I have been listening to this song called "Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb and there is a part in there that has hit me pretty well the past week. It goes:
So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
How true this portion of the song is! This is how I have been feeling and I know that God is faithful and will forgive me. I have been going through so many changes and I still cannot verbally describe what is going on inside me. When I can, I will let you know. Just pray for me to continue to seek God in all that I do and give over to Him my future!
Friday, February 5, 2010
woke up feeling like crap
so basically what i am feeling today is exactly what the title of this blog states: like a big pile of crap.
I hate when I put my trust in other people and it gets stomped on...
I hate when I have feelings for people even with all the surpressing of feelings I attempt...
I hate this morning...
At least the weather seems to be joining me in my dislike of things. I am going to try to pick up my mood today by reading scripture and staying upbeat and positive throughout the rest of the day...
But I had to be honest here and say that I am not ok. I am feeling horrible today. Please pray that that changes.
Song that I am listening to: Regina Spektor- "Hero"
I hate when I put my trust in other people and it gets stomped on...
I hate when I have feelings for people even with all the surpressing of feelings I attempt...
I hate this morning...
At least the weather seems to be joining me in my dislike of things. I am going to try to pick up my mood today by reading scripture and staying upbeat and positive throughout the rest of the day...
But I had to be honest here and say that I am not ok. I am feeling horrible today. Please pray that that changes.
Song that I am listening to: Regina Spektor- "Hero"
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Things I am Learning
It has been well over a month since I last contributed to this blog. I figured it was high time I gave anyone who reads this [and thank you for doing so] an update as to what is going on with me.
I am back at CSULB and halfway through the second week of this semester. The first week went by in a flash. I was extremely busy with multiple plans for each day. God kept me going last week as well as the fact that he restored me using the hang out times I had with people. I have been getting to know people from Navs better including my friend Jacob as well as letting people in on who I am. It has been great being completely honest with someone about who I am, what I have done. I have never been fully comfortable with that and me doing that with Alissa is simply amazing and I have begun to see God's work in that.
I made several goals on New Years' Eve that, while I am not fully achieving them, I am proud to say are taking effect within my life. I have started memorizing scripture which is exciting, loving others, being [extremely one might say] diligent with my work and doing it for God's glory, and really getting in to my Bible studies.
One thing that I am currently working on more and more is being content in God. That is something that I know I have not been ever. There are somethings that I have just given to God and made Him more important but I have also recognized the idols that i need to turn from(the need to be in a relationship, facebook, coffee, praise in school work, etc). It is fun to think about how God is changing my heart and making it more the way He desires.
I think I want to start memorizing Romans 8 as a whole. I never realized the amount of "power verses" were in that chapter. Maybe someone could keep me accountable in that?
I also wanted to share with you guys the response I did for a paper in C/LA 490:
And this is a song that I have recently fell in love with:
I am back at CSULB and halfway through the second week of this semester. The first week went by in a flash. I was extremely busy with multiple plans for each day. God kept me going last week as well as the fact that he restored me using the hang out times I had with people. I have been getting to know people from Navs better including my friend Jacob as well as letting people in on who I am. It has been great being completely honest with someone about who I am, what I have done. I have never been fully comfortable with that and me doing that with Alissa is simply amazing and I have begun to see God's work in that.
I made several goals on New Years' Eve that, while I am not fully achieving them, I am proud to say are taking effect within my life. I have started memorizing scripture which is exciting, loving others, being [extremely one might say] diligent with my work and doing it for God's glory, and really getting in to my Bible studies.
One thing that I am currently working on more and more is being content in God. That is something that I know I have not been ever. There are somethings that I have just given to God and made Him more important but I have also recognized the idols that i need to turn from(the need to be in a relationship, facebook, coffee, praise in school work, etc). It is fun to think about how God is changing my heart and making it more the way He desires.
I think I want to start memorizing Romans 8 as a whole. I never realized the amount of "power verses" were in that chapter. Maybe someone could keep me accountable in that?
I also wanted to share with you guys the response I did for a paper in C/LA 490:
At work or school, how do you want to be seen? What image do you want to project? Are you aware of discrepancies between the image you want to project and how others actually see you? What are they? What are the chances that projecting your preferred image will be seen and valued by the people with whom you work, and that you’ll be rewarded for possessing it? What needs to be accomplished for you to achieve that image?
In all aspects of my life I want to represent Christ. As a Christian, the goal of my life is to be a “mini Christ.” Practically, seeing as no one is perfect, I want to display love and compassion to all and in this I want to be seen as someone who stands firm in what she believes, is willing to listen to others, is willing to work hard, and never surrenders to problems. In simpler terms, and less religious ones, I want to be a good person with high moral standards, but approachably so. I know that in the past I often desired to portray this image but have acted in ways less connected to that desire. Such as saying that I do not like lying but continue to do it, or hang out with habitual liars. I know that I will be persecuted for wanting to follow Christ in all areas of my life due to the fact that this is not a popular take on life, but I know that people will appreciate honesty and hard work ethic as well as I will enjoy being true to my calling and self. To accomplish such a goal, I have to give up want I think is good for me and do what God tells me is good. It is giving up myself for the greater good of humanity and projecting truth in my life that will be a difficult thing for me because I fail and I am prideful. I need to deny myself and what I can get out of things and look for what will lift others up.
That is where I am at right now!
And this is a song that I have recently fell in love with:
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